Blue in the Sky

A lesbian wife and mother tries her hand at something new. Surely there is a hat that fits out there somewhere!

Finally…. Some Words Tuesday July 8, 2008

Filed under: Wedding Planning — The Professor @ 9:13 pm

Thanks to those of you that left a comment and shared in all of my excitement about the ring. It really is a cool thing. Much more amazing than I had expected.

When Toad and I decided that we not only wanted to be together for the foreseeable future (which we decided pretty early on), but that we wanted to be together forever, we did exchange rings. We chose them together and decided that they would be our engagement symbol. We didn’t spend a lot of money, but we got something that we both liked and that meant something to us as a couple. They weren’t matchy matchy (bc we have pretty different styles), but they looked coordinated. They were an external symbol of the process we were (no pun intended) engaged in.

At some point during the wedding planning process I started getting really attached to the idea of traditional symbols. Certainly our relationship is not a traditional one, but it is actually for this reason that I’ve started to feel that traditional symbols have new (and perhaps greater) meaning for us. As a traditionally feminine woman, I have spent a lot of energy in conversations that run along this oh so predictable line – “No, really, I am gay. I like girls. Whatever you want to call that. Yes, I know I don’t look like you think a lesbian should look, but guess what? This is what a lesbian looks like”. I’ve grown tired of the conversation. It’s old and I have nothing more illuminating to say about it anymore. So, to return to the idea of the traditional symbol, these symbols provide some kind of system of shared meaning. As oppressive and horrific as they may be in many respects, we all get it. We know the language. When we see a woman with a diamond on her left hand we all know what that means. There is no ambiguity about that. When my diamond wearing hand rests on my partners’ knee, there is no denying what is going on between us. There is no ambiguity there. No shades of grey. It is, very much, exactly what it is.

And so….. I started dreaming of diamonds. Of a simple, beautiful symbol that would erase any impulse to deny that these two women are together. This is not a mirage. It won’t go away if you squint your eyes. It’s real. And my girl listened to me. I had NO IDEA that she was buying this ring. None. I knew that I wanted one, but I also knew that I didn’t need one. Who really NEEDS a diamond anyway? It struck me as a little frivoulous to have the desire in the first place, but that didn’t make it go away. And then, she asked to see my original ring. I was washing dishes and she just asked to see it. So I handed it over and got back to work. When I was finished, she slid the new ring on my finger. I’ve never been so surprised and I’ve never felt so truly known. I love this girl.

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6 Responses to “Finally…. Some Words”

  1. knotsodifferent Says:

    I am with you about the traditional symbols thing. I think were I in a straight relationship I would not be very traditional, but being in the relationship I am leads me to appreciate the use of traditional wedding and relationship symbols so people “get it”…

  2. Dylan Says:

    Hmm. I’ve never thought of how it might effect the public’s perception of one’s relationship if you weren’t wearing “traditional” rings as a couple. I think the point is a really valid one though, you are right. Our society recognizes that a diamond is serious and a sign of a strongly committed relationship. Everything else is probably seen as a step towards or symbolic of… but because it’s not the SYMBOL, your relationship must not be THAT serious either. Hmmm. Interesting. I can’t decide if this would be something I would want to challenge, or as you struggled with, conform to because it’s hard to not have your love affirmed by those around you.

    Either way, I am still way happy for you and the way she gave it to you is really cute. Casual and comfortable, while still adorably sweet.

  3. theresa Says:

    As I said to Z this weekend… the more I get to know your girl, the more I love her. I mean, honestly, what an amazing woman. So, there’s that. And the way she gave you the ring echoes of my own engagement. The unpredictable yet completely perfect setting, the unexpected moment. I just love it… I say again, hooray for two girls in love!

  4. nutella Says:

    Aww, that’s a very sweet way to give you the ring! I agree with your assessment of it as a powerful symbol.

    Strawberry and I are both rather femme and even when we are being couple-y (like holding hands or sitting knee to knee) we often fly under the radar as lesbians. It’s been something both of us struggled with as singles but now as a couple we don’t fight it as much. And our wedding rings are identical to each other (except for size), and somewhat non-traditional, but they scream MARRIED which was part of the intention.

    I am very out and when people assume that I have a husband, I always casually slip “my wife” into the conversation. Most of the time, I don’t think people even acknowledge it since I don’t visually fit their concept of lesbian, but I’d liek to think that sometimes they get it and I’m changing people’s perceptions one step at a time.

  5. “There is no ambiguity there. No shades of grey. It is, very much, exactly what it is.”

    Love this word choice and meaning! Exactly how I feel. And I agree with your discussion of “traditional” stuff. I find myself leaning in that direction quite often.

  6. Desaray Says:

    yes, yes. and yesyes.


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