Blue in the Sky

A lesbian wife and mother tries her hand at something new. Surely there is a hat that fits out there somewhere!

Can you say “OVERWHELMED”??!! Wednesday September 30, 2009

Filed under: Daily Life — The Professor @ 12:11 pm

I can.

I can also say “blogging at work”.  Watch me go.

I am aware that the mentally healthy claim that it is best to go with the flow and make friends with change.  To embrace the new and bend flexibly like a little tree.  Well….. I am NOT a tree and I am certainly not all that flexible.  I try to be flexible and zen and only mildly neurotic, but the truth is that I am a very happy creature of habit.  I love order and stability.  It comforts me.  Unfortunately, this is not a season of stability in my life.  It is very decidedly a season of change.  Intellectually I get that and I’m even grateful for it.  Emotionally…. not so much.  Life is a “one day at a time” kind of gig and this day will pass.  I will not feel the fear that comes with uncertainty for me forever.  Yet another thing that I know in my head, but am not feeling in my heart.

My mildly neurotic self would like to create a tidy, ordered list of all the things that are totally outside of my control at this moment.  I’m letting her have her way.

  • My horrible, terrible, no good, very bad job and the fact that I feel that way about it AND spent 22 years preparing for it
  • Whether all of the time and money and emotional energy that have been invested in baby-making this cycle will result in a pregnancy
  • Whether my wife will get a job offer anytime soon
  • Where I will be living next fall
  • Where/if I will be working next fall
  • My brother in law who let us know this AM that he plans to visit next week
  • The state of my local support system which feels nonexistent as the result of the loss of a close friend.  Not a loss due to death, but a loss due to unbloggable circumstances.
  • The fact that Toad has been jacked up on fertility meds for the last three months.  She’s a trooper, but I still want my wife back.
  • I think that does it.

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