I can also say “blogging at work”. Watch me go.
I am aware that the mentally healthy claim that it is best to go with the flow and make friends with change. To embrace the new and bend flexibly like a little tree. Well….. I am NOT a tree and I am certainly not all that flexible. I try to be flexible and zen and only mildly neurotic, but the truth is that I am a very happy creature of habit. I love order and stability. It comforts me. Unfortunately, this is not a season of stability in my life. It is very decidedly a season of change. Intellectually I get that and I’m even grateful for it. Emotionally…. not so much. Life is a “one day at a time” kind of gig and this day will pass. I will not feel the fear that comes with uncertainty for me forever. Yet another thing that I know in my head, but am not feeling in my heart.
My mildly neurotic self would like to create a tidy, ordered list of all the things that are totally outside of my control at this moment. I’m letting her have her way.
- My horrible, terrible, no good, very bad job and the fact that I feel that way about it AND spent 22 years preparing for it
- Whether all of the time and money and emotional energy that have been invested in baby-making this cycle will result in a pregnancy
- Whether my wife will get a job offer anytime soon
- Where I will be living next fall
- Where/if I will be working next fall
- My brother in law who let us know this AM that he plans to visit next week
- The state of my local support system which feels nonexistent as the result of the loss of a close friend. Not a loss due to death, but a loss due to unbloggable circumstances.
- The fact that Toad has been jacked up on fertility meds for the last three months. She’s a trooper, but I still want my wife back.
- I think that does it.